Let’s start with the intro, or, as it’s called in the biz, the lede. The lede in a bad travel article should usually open up with you, in general, and you and your husband Larry, in particular. Example: “My husband Larry and I marveled at the lush landscape surrounding the cottages at our overnight lodge, even though it was winter in the Southern Hemisphere and dry season in East Africa.” Your goal here is not to write an intriguing, attention-getting lede, but to mention Larry as soon as possible.
{ Christopher Shultis plays an amplified cactus while reciting an excerpt from James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake | Haverford | Watch the video | Thanks Tom }
Dual Function Design, November 10, 2008
By B. Govern “Bee-Dot-Govern”
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that’s when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to ‘howl at the moon’ from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called meth. I told them no, because they didn’t have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn’t settle for the first thing that comes to him.
I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.
Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the ‘guns’), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.
Eminem stormed out of the awards ceremony after Baron Cohen, in the role of the main character from his new movie, “Bruno,” landed on his lap after a flying mishap, leaving the audience wondering if the rapper really was furious or if it was a stunt. The Detroit rapper told website RapRadar.com that…
Many of our readers have expressed amazement and admiration for my superior asshole skills. To them we offer this handy list of tips on how to be a successful and effective asshole, just like yours truly:
• Confuse and confound. Directly and openly state extreme things to get people off-balance. If asked who you voted for in an election, say you did not vote because you oppose democracy. People are used to supporters of other parties and know how to react to them; they are not used to those who despise all political parties.
• Escalate. Many people are comfortable trading barbs, especially indirect and subtle ones, but will be cowed by anything direct and blunt.
• Practice, practice, practice. Take every opportunity to say inappropriate things for little reason.
The dean asked me to explain my sociopathy. “I’m an atheist and resent being made to go to chapel,” I said. “I’m also always right about everything and I’m going to vomit in your office.”
Here are the ten things I love most about being lawyer:
1. WORKING WITH OTHER LAWYERS
Whether they’re colleagues or opponents, I’m blessed with the constant companionship of other attorneys—that means I’m constantly surrounded by smart, overachieving, neurotic, humorless individuals with an insatiable need to impress bosses and clients. What’s more fun than that?
2. THE CONSTANT, NAGGING FEAR OF SCREWING UP
Unlike many white-collar workers, if I make a mistake—like overlook some arcane SEC regulation or nebulous New York precedent—I get sued. Which means I get fired. Some people might say that’s too much pressure. But not me. I say, “That’s awesome!” Truth is, the prospect of public humiliation and career annihilation makes me feel alive. Like a pro football player competing in the Super Bowl. Or a soldier engaged in battle. You just can’t buy that kind of anxiety.
Like zombies, spiders in a lab twitched back to life hours after “drowning”—and the scientists were as surprised as anyone.
The spiders, it seems, enter comas to survive for hours underwater, according to a new study.
The unexpected discovery was made during experiments intended to find out exactly how long spiders can survive underwater—a number of spiders and insects have long been known to be resistant to drowning.
I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate, ‘Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica.’ He said, ‘Do I know you?’
