It’s kinda hard bein Snoop D-O-double-G
“Ever wonder what your pets feel and what they have to say?” questions an ad featuring a smiley woman hugging her dog. “They are angels beside us in physical form. With telepathy, energetics, and intuition, I can help you clarify and understand.”
Yes, like Dr. Doolittle, this woman has the ability to have entire conversations with your pet. She’ll do it over the phone, charging you money to get into your pet’s head at a distance. A session will set you back a good $75 to $100. (…) I decide to test pet psychic veracity by phoning several. Since I don’t have a pet, I pose as my own dog, who happens to go by my name. Any true pet psychic should pick up on this right away. If not, well — I hate to say it — I’ll have to conclude that this is a pure, 100 percent, fuck-me-sideways scam.
Pet Psychic No. 1
I tell the pet psychic that I think “my dog,” Harmon, has a really good sense of humor, and that he’s the life of the party.
Pet Psychic 1: I was talking to Harmon this morning. He’s very open to talking, by the way.
Infiltrator: Uh-huh.
PP1: I’m in touch with him, simultaneously, when we’re talking. If something else comes up, just ask me, ’cause I can get the answer from him right away.
I: Around what time were you channeling into him? He was making this weird yelping.
PP1: It was probably around 9 or 10 — around there, yeah.
I: [holding receiver away from mouth and screaming] HARMON, GET OFF THE COUCH!
PP1: And, by the way, he is just a love. He’s like this big giant teddy bear. He doesn’t see himself as big as he is, and he sees himself as light, if that makes any sense to you.
I: Yes, it does … GODDAMN IT, HARMON, GET OFF THE GODDAMN COUCH NOW!
PP1: And he is just the most social animal! I get the feeling — or I know — that Harmon is very aware of energy. He loves other beings. Do your friends hang out with him a lot?
I: No! And other dogs don’t seem to get along with him. Can you hold on? HARMON, QUIT DRINKING OUT OF THE TOILET! Sorry about that — what were you saying?
PP1: You know what his thing is? He doesn’t like rude dogs. He is very proper. (…)Pet Psychic No. 3
Does my dog, Harmon, like it when I dress him up in little sweaters and people clothes?
Pet Psychic 3: He’s a really easygoing dog, so it doesn’t embarrass him to wear little sweaters, but he told me he does get hot. Do you dress him up before you take him for a walk?
I: No, just, like, at parties and at the grocery store and stuff.
PP3: [Pause.] He knows that it pleases you, so he’s not embarrassed.
I: So I should keep doing that — like, little hats and big sunglasses and bow ties?
PP3: [Pause.] He’s telling me he’s fine with it.
I: I’m thinking of entering him in this dog show. Would he be up for that?
PP3: [Pause.] He’d love it. He’s very proud. [Pause.] But he said he doesn’t know if he can be perfect. He’s not that kind of dog. He’s very free-spirited.Pet Psychic No. 4
PP4: I often have clients call me two weeks later and say, “Oh my God, I thought it was stupid when you said this to me, but now I get it.”
I: [Grrrrr-grrrrr!] GODDAMN IT, HARMON, STOP DOING THAT TO MY LEG!
